Christmas Sure Is Weird This Year In Konoha
by Kream45
Summary: Naruto and Sakura walk around Konoha on Christmas and spread the happiness. Or at least, they think they do.


**/I remember writing something similar for Halloween last year. Time flies by fast. But not as fast as my hand when I jack my wiener off to some crazy, twisted hentai.**

 **Also, this is just a cheerful story about Christmas, as you can probably already tell. Enjoy! /**

It was 5 PM in Konoha. The sky was dark and it snowed a lot. That day was Christmas Eve. For some reason.

"ALRIGHT BITCHES!" Naruto shouted on the street, "Gather up, I've got some serious shit to say!"

"Not this faggot again…" the people whispered, but gathered around Naruto anyway, because it's not nice to refuse a retarded person.

"Listen up people…" Naruto started, "Today is Christmas Eve! You know what this means?!"

"That you're a piece of shit?" Someone replied.

"No, this means that tomorrow we're gonna celebrate the birthday of my man, the one and only, JESUS CHRIST!" Naruto exclaimed, but nobody seemed to get excited.

"Naruto, you're a shitty excuse for a ninja, and a retard. Go home and beat your meat, or whatever it is that you're doing everyday."

Everyone left, and Naruto was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very angry about it.

"Damn idiots…" he said to himself, "If only they appreciated Jesus as much as I did, then there would be no wars, sadness, hunger, ads on porn sites…"

He was about to go home and hang himself. And that would be fine, but unfortunately, Sakura overheard what he said and approached him.

"Hi Naruto." She smiled, "Were you serious about Jesus? Do you really appreciate his love?"

"Oh, hi. Umm, well yes, of course. He died for our sins." Naruto replied.

"Wow, I wasn't aware that you're such a devoted Christian."

"I know right? It's difficult to find someone who loves Jesus in this shitty village. Wait… do YOU love Jesus?" he asked.

"M-Me?" Sakura's voice twitched, "I… I think that he's cool and all…"

At that point, Naruto knew Sakura was THE girl for him.

"Umm, you know, we can like… talk about Jesus sometimes… I mean, if you want." He mumbled out.

"I've got an even better idea!" Sakura seemed to not notice Naruto's unmatched flirting skills, "We should make sure that everyone in the village respects Jesus as well!"

"You mean, like… force Jesus into them?"

"I mean like, let Jesus into their hearts. By force c: "

"Lol ok, let's go to Sasuke first."

And so they went there and knocked on the door. Some faggot with black hair and edgy look on his face came out.

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked.

"We wanted to ask you what you think about Jesus." Sakura said.

Sasuke didn't reply.

"Is that all you came here for?" he said.

"Yes you fucking edgelord, so maybe you'd be so fucking nice for a change and answer the question already?" Naruto got PISSED.

"Uh-huh. I guess you're asking me that because it's Christmas Eve, right?"

"Ding ding ding ding, we have a winner! HOW THE FUCK did you guess that?!" Naruto was ready to apply his fist in Sasuke's face at a high velocity.

"Naruto, calm down!" Sakura tried to soothe the situation, "Sasuke, we're only asking that because we want people in Konoha to celebrate Christmas with Jesus in mind!"

"Listen, I don't even have a family to spend Christmas with, the only ones that came here today were all those horny bitches from the village who brought presents. I didn't even bother to open them."

"HOLY SHIT YOU'RE SO EDGY!" Naruto exclaimed, "Who cares if you don't have any family?"

"…"

"Well I don't have anyone neither, but I found the right solution!"

"… don't tell me you spend Christmas with friends, and that's why I should socialize too."

"No." Naruto replied, "… I clone myself and pretend my house is full of people on Christmas."

"That's so lame."

"Hey guys, calm down!" Sakura jumped in between them, because Naruto was full of primal rage, "How about we walk around the village together and spread the love of Jesus?"

"But I don't love Jesus." Sasuke said.

"Oh my God, Naruto was right, you're so edgy." Sakura said, "At least PRETEND that you do, okay?! This way you won't have to be alone on Christmas again."

"Come to think of it Sakura, don't you have a family? Why are you not with them?" Naruto asked.

"I burned them alive and ate their flesh." Sakura replied.

"That's fucked up." Sasuke stated.

"Yeah, I'm concerned, Sakura." Naruto said.

"I don't know if you're aware, but I also have to eat, duh?" Sakura claimed, "I was hungry, so I ate them, what's there to debate?"

"…"

" :| "

"Lol just kidding, u both just got prankd." Sakura laughed, "You should see the look on your faces!"

"…"

" :| "

"Now for real, I'm not spending Christmas with my family because they all died in a horrible airplane crash."

"That's still terrible." Sasuke said.

"True. Sakura, I'm sorry for your loss." Naruto added.

"Lol just kidding." Sakura laughed.

"..."

" :| "

"Okay for real, my parents are on a mission."

"That's not fair, they should be with you." Naruto said.

"What's more important, I thought your parents weren't even ninja." Sasuke noticed.

"Alright, alright, you got me." Sakura giggled, "They actually died in an airplane crash, I wasn't joking before."

"That's it, I'm going back inside." Sasuke said, "You two are retarded."

"AND THAT'S WHY…!" Sakura pulled him back out, "…THAT'S why you should stay with us. It will be fun!"

"Yeah Sasuke, pull the fucking stick out of your ass already." Naruto added.

"… okay. But don't make me regret this."

And so they went together and knocked on some random house's door.

"Hello mister, do you love Jesus?" Sakura asked, smiling.

"… why?" guy at the door asked.

"Because it's Christmas Eve! Tomorrow is Jesus's birthday!"

"…oh. Well, don't get me wrong, but all I care about is spending this time with my family. Jesus is not necessary to us."

"But…" Sakura started and cried, "How can you not love Jesus?"

"Yeah you piece of shit, how dare you disrespect… hey, HEY, GET BACK HERE! Open the fucking door you bitch!"

" _Oh my God, I knew it was gonna be like that."_ Sasuke thought.

Sakura swept the tears off.

"I'm not sad anymore." She stated, "If people in this village don't love Jesus, there's only one thing we can do."

"Please no…" Sasuke knew what was gonna happen.

"Oh yes." Sakura said firmly, "Naruto. Take a shit at this guy's doorstep."

"On it!" Naruto agreed and crouched at the door.

"Holy fuck, you guys are insane." Sasuke said and looked around to see if anyone was watching.

"Done!" Naruto got up and put his pants back on.

"Great job!" Sakura exclaimed, "Now we have to go around the whole village and to the same to everyone who doesn't love Jesus."

"I'm afraid I can't shit at everyone's doorstep." Naruto quenched her enthusiasm, "It's not humanly possible."

"I can't believe this." Sasuke said, "You're actually talking about this AS IF shitting at everyone's doorstep was something we should do."

"That's because we HAVE to do this!" Sakura stated, "This is the only way to show people that Jesus loves them and wants to be with them!"

"By taking a shit at their doorstep?"

"Yes."

"… do I have to…"

"Yes."

"Oh my God."

And so they went forward. It turned out that nobody in Konoha cared about lord Jesus, so each and every single one of them got an unexpected and unasked-for "brownie" gift.

Naruto could only hit so much, so after he ran out of shit, Sakura was taking the shits. And after that, Sasuke had to to this.

"Come on, Sasuke, our bodies haven't produced enough shit yet!" Sakura told him.

"Yeah, and the burrito we just ate hasn't been digested yet!" Naruto added.

"I agreed to come with you, I had to watch Naruto take a shit like twenty times, then I had to watch Sakura take a shit twentyFIVE times. I still don't know what was more awkward to watch, but there's NO WAY I'm pulling my pants off, crouching down and take a shit in the middle of the fucking street."

"You done with your monologue?" Sakura asked, "Nobody's listening to you. Besides, nobody's here, everyone's home."

"… you two are here."

" **sigh** if it's embarrassing to you, we can turn around if you want." Naruto suggested.

"But that's STILL sooo wrong! Those people didn't even do anything to me."

"They said they don't need Jesus!" Sakura exclaimed.

"And I said earlier that I also have no need for Jesus in my life."

"And we still asked you to come with us!" Naruto said, "We could have taken a shit at your doorstep as well, but we didn't!"

"If you had taken a shit at my door, I would have brought you there by force and smeared your face into it." Sasuke said.

"ALRIGHT!" Sakura has had enough, "Sasuke, if you're not okay with this, you can go home now. Bye, it's been fun but I guess you've got to go."

Sasuke then thought that MAYBE he shouldn't be such a piece of shit all the time, and MAYBE on this single day in a whole year, he should be nicer to his so-called friends.

"Alright alright." He started, "I'll do it."

"You will? :0 " Sakura was surprised.

"Yeah. But turn around. Both of you."

Naruto and Sakura turned around, and not even two seconds passed when Sasuke called them.

"Done." He said.

"What?" Naruto and Sakura turned around, confused.

"I've taken a shit as you wanted."

That was in fact true. A shit was lying at the doorstep.

"Wow Sasuke!" Sakura smiled, "You're not only fast in combat, but you also take a shit fast!"

"Yeah, yeah."

" **EKHM EKHM!** " Naruto coughed, "Let me remind you that it's ME who takes the largest shits."

"That's also right!" Sakura admitted, "Sasuke, sorry, you're cool and all, but Naruto's shits are much bigger. Besides, you're edgy and you suck."

"I can see now that the author of this idiotic story is a NaruSaku fan or some shit like that." Sasuke stated.

"No, it's just that everybody fucking hates you." Naruto explained, "Anyway, at least you managed to take a shit, we're proud of you."

Naruto pat Sasuke on the head like a pet.

"Get those filthy hands away from me."

"Oooh, watch out! He's gonna bite!" Naruto laughed, "Sasuke, you're such a FAG!"

"Yeah, Sasuke is a FAGGY FAG!" Sakura added, "Not only that, he's also a FAGGOTY FAGGOT!"

"Explain to me one more time why I am in this story?" Sasuke asked, clearly tired of all those insults.

"Because somebody needs to be pushed around like a FAG, m I rite?" Naruto claimed.

"That's true. Be obedient, Sasuke, or else we're gonna shit on you." Sakura said.

"ALRIGHT I'm done." Sasuke said and walked away, "You two can finish your shitty little shitting, I'm going home."

"No Christmas gift for you this year, FAGGOT!" Naruto shouted, but Sasuke didn't bother to reply.

"… Oh, he was right about one thing. We must finish shitting all over the village." Sakura said.

"Let's do this."

As they expected, nobody wanted to let Jesus in their hearts. Before they knew it, it was almost midnight.

Sakura was very sad. She wanted at least one person to accept Jesus as their savior.

"This village sucks." She said, "I wanna kill myself."

"Hey, don't say that!" Naruto tried to comfort her, "At least provide me with a nice, icy, Christmas BJ before you do."

"No, hmpf!" Sakura sat down by a wall and hid her face in her knees.

"…Bitch I ain't no taking 'no' for an answer." Naruto stated and forced his dick inside Sakura's mouth, smashed her head against the wall and pumped like… something that pumps very fast, idk lol.

Sakura was trying to resist, but Naruto was much too strong. He then came inside and held it until she swallowed it all, and only then he released his cock.

" ***cough cough*** WHAT THE FUCK! ***couch*** I'm gonna kill you!" she screamed and got up slowly.

"But what if I tell you that I did this to protect you?" Naruto asked.

"The FUCK are you talking about?!"

"I mean, I noticed by your pale skin color that you've ran out of essential minerals. I simply made sure that your body has the right amount of proteins and vitamins."

"You think I'm gonna buy that?"

"You don't have to – it's free."

"You're a retard, and that's why I'm gonna let you off the hook this time." Sakura said, "But don't you dare do that again!"

"You have my word on that."

Sakura checked her watch.

"Well great, it's already Christmas." She sighed, "Not only I didn't manage to convince anyone to love Jesus, but also I've been faceraped this night by some retard."

"Hey, but look at it from the bright side." Naruto said, "… umm, we ate a good burrito? And… We made fun of that shithead Sasuke."

"Still, worst Christmas ever." Sakura replied, "… but we should still finish what we started."

"Did we forget about something?"

"Yeah." Sakura confirmed, "We still have to shit at Sasuke's doorstep.

"He's gonna kill us."

"Not if we kill his first." Sakura smirked and took out a shotgun from who knows where.

"You want to shoot him?"

"No." Sakura replied, "This bitch is empty, I've got no money for bullets. We're just gonna smash that shit into his face. And then we'll take a shit at his doorstep."

"I think killing him defeats the whole purpose of shitting at his doorstep." Naruto stated.

"WHATEVER. He's a FAG and it's his fault that Christmas sucks this year."

And so they went there, but after a few seconds, a bright light appeared in front of them.

"Holy shit, I can't see!" Sakura screamed.

"Dafuq is that?!" Naruto covered his eyes.

And then it turned out that it was just Jesus Christ standing in front of them.

"J-Jesus?!" Sakura whispered and fell on her knees, "My Lord, you have come!"

"I'm your biggest fan, Jesus!" Naruto said.

"No, I AM!" Sakura shouted.

"No, I AM!"

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU SHUT UP!"

"Ekhm." Jesus coughed.

Naruto and Sakura immediately stopped fighting.

"I have come here to thank you both for your continued devotion." Jesus said.

"No problem, J!" Naruto replied but Sakura punched him in the dick.

"My retarded friend meant that we're very thankful for your appreciation!" she said.

"I have also come here to punish everyone who doesn't believe in me." Jesus added and waved his hand. In a blink of an eye, the entire village was destroyed.

"HOLY FUCK!" Naruto and Sakura simultaneously screamed.

"That's what happens to sinners." Jesus stated, "Be sure to keep spreading my love across the land, young ones."

"OF COURSE!" Sakura exclaimed, "Whatever you say!"

"Oh, and also, in case that I have to destroy everyone in the world except you two, YOU must start a new civilization."

"Wh-what?"

"You, Naruto and Sakura, will become like Adam and Eve. You must give birth to at least two children, then those children must make more children, and if you give birth to two sons, you will have to make more."

"Whaaat?" Sakura moaned.

"Or actually, I know that nobody except you two believes in me in this world, so I'm just gonna wipe them out."

Jesus flicked his finger.

"There, you're the only ones left on this planet.

Sakura had no words for what just happened.

"So like I said, go and make kids. Raise them and inject my love into them."

"B-but I don't like Naruto THAT much!"

"Not my problem c: "

"Also, it's wrong! Our children will have to make more children with each other?"

"Oh, that's right." Jesus realized something and waved his hand again, "I cast a spell on you two. Your children and their children and so on will be able to make children that aren't retarded."

"That's… Not what I meant…"

"Well look at the time. I'm going now, see ya and have fun you two!"

Jesus then disappeared.

"…What you looking at?" Sakura asked Naruto, who has been silent for a while.

"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

"What's with that face?"

"( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)"

"… oh no, no way."

"You heard it, Jesus wants us to do it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

"You're a cunt."

And so they did it two hundred million times. But for some reason they couldn't get any kids. It turned out that you can't get pregnant from anal ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and they only did that.

Well so they did it once again in the PINK, and *puff* they got a kid. And that's how they spent the rest of their lives. Or actually, that's how they spend the entire eternity, because they were immortal and always young for some reason.

What's the moral of this story? I honestly don't know. I don't know if anyone will even read this far into this shit. So for those who did manage to read this far, I've got a secret message. Naruto's parents die in the story hahaha you just got spoiled.

 **THE END**


End file.
